I plan out my blog posts and put a lot of heart and soul in them. It usually takes a couple of days for me to figure out the right words, find the best pictures, and feel good about pressing publish. Today though, I just felt like I needed to write. For the past week, I have had so many feelings that have been hard to express. I have tried over and over to describe how I am feeling to inquiring friends and family, but I just can’t. So this morning, after 3 hours of sleep, I decided to write.
Before I launch into my feelings, I want to give a little back story. For a year and a half, our treatment protocol was 2.5 mg of Letrozole, trigger shot, and timed intercourse. After our miscarriage, we decided to add IUI to the protocol. After our first IUI failure, we took an 8 month break. I had a breast reduction, took some time to heal my heart, started my Master’s, and focused my energy on my *future* baby daddy.
When we returned from our break, we picked up where we left off. Letrozole, trigger shot, IUI. This time, I felt so different. I was in such a different head space. I felt prepared and almost excited to start trying again. When our IUI failed, I wasn’t that surprised. Although a small part of me hoped that the break would be just what my body needed to “recharge”, I wasn’t upset when I saw the negative pregnancy test.
After our 2nd IUI failure, my doctor and I had a serious conversation. We talked about my history and how we would move forward. Basically, my body wasn’t doing anything different and we both felt that we were going no where. And then it happened…the conversation I never though I would have:
My doctor was amazing during this conversation and was open to all my questions and concerns. We decided we would try one more round of IUI with an increased dosage of letrozole and go from there. Josh and I had decided that if the increase in letrozole didn’t work, we would have an IVF consultation.
If you’re guessing the increase in letrozole wouldn’t work…you are correct.
Last week my doctor and I looked at each other and we just knew. During this visit, she also told me that we had “unexplained infertility.” Fun stuff.
She said to me ” I will be 100% honest with you, Kat. When you came back after your break, I had a feeling that we would be having this conversation. I just want you to know that I will support you with whatever you decide but I do believe this might be the best option for you.”
So here we are now. Josh and I talked about it and we both feel good about moving forward with IVF. Or at least the consultation. We are taking it one step at a time. It’s just really really weird to be in this spot. I don’t feel sad or angry. I just feel weird. It’s weird when you have to accept the fact that you can’t make a baby and there is no explanation as to why. When a medical professional looks you in the face and says “I don’t know” it’s weird! I’ve had a hard time sleeping this week just thinking about the upcoming journey. The rule, the shots, the retrievals, the transfers, the phone calls, the waiting. All for the hope that we will conceive our miracle baby.
As weird as all of this is, I’m extremely grateful that we even have this option. If we lived even 50 years before now, we would have to accept the fact that we are never going to have children. But we don’t have to. There is hope. We will keep fighting until we bring our baby home.