It is very difficult to find joy when you have days where you are barely holding yourself together. There are days when the burdens of life feel so heavy, all I can do is go home and lock myself in my room for several hours and cry. It happens. But most days, I feel great. I have this thing about me where I try to find the good in bad situations. I want to find the positive about every situation. It’s how I coped with my childhood, my depression, my anxiety, my grief. I could go on.
However, after being diagnosed with PCOS and being told getting pregnant would be a challenge, it was hard to find the positive. I felt broken, sad, and alone. I distinctly remember telling Josh one day that I felt like I had been living several months in autopilot. Like I was having an out of body experience always. It was pretty scary. And as someone that is in tune with energies, it was terrifying not being able to be in tune with myself. Luckily, 2017 ended on a more positive note and I have been able to ground myself through my yoga practice. * Surprise surprise.*
I decided that for this post, I wanted to make a list of the positive things that have come out of the past year and the joy that I have been able to find through our journey of infertility.
- Josh and I have been able to connect on a deeper level. I have heard horror stories about couples struggling with infertility and how it shattered their marriage. I was determined to not let that happen to me and Josh. Needless to say 2017 strengthened our marriage in ways that I cannot explain. I love him so much and honestly, I couldn’t do any of this without him.
2. I found my yoga practice and I started teaching again. 2017 was soul crushing for me not only because of my PCOS, but because I let go of things that I loved. I do this when I’m depressed. I don’t know why and I will never understand it. I stopped practicing yoga and I let sadness take over. I started going to acupuncture because I felt desperate for any kind of “healing” for my body. My acupuncturist looked me in the face and said “You’re a yoga teacher. You should be practicing. I promise you will see a difference.” She was right. Once I got in the habit of practicing regularly, I received an opportunity to teach and it has made all the difference in the world. I no longer feel like I am having an out of body experience. I feel like me.
3. I started writing again. Writing has always been something that I have loved. In high school I would write short stories and poems. I enjoyed being in honors english classes. Writing was my therapy. Unfortunately, I stopped writing for fun a long time ago. I have always loved blogging and when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I decided to take my passion for writing and become a voice for those that were silently struggling. I also started writing short stories on the side.
4. I tried new hobbies. This Summer I fell in love with kayaking! I have never really been into outdoor sports but my in laws introduced me to kayaking and I will never go back. I love the water and have always said I was meant to live in the ocean. being in the kayak brought me more peace than I ever could’ve imagined.
5. I started a gratitude journal. You’d be amazed at how quickly your outlook changes when you decide to write down what you are thankful for instead of focusing on the negative. I try to write 5-10 things that I am grateful for everyday. It doesn’t have to be in a physical journal. You can write on your phone, notebook, a napkin, etc. When you start looking for the good instead of dwelling on the bad, your life will transform into something beautiful.