I Didn’t Know What it Felt Like.

A year ago, I didn’t understand what it was like to struggle with infertility. Looking back now, I think I was even a little cynical.

My entire life I knew I wanted to be a mom. At two years old I was carrying around my baby dolls everywhere I went. At 7 I was playing house with my younger siblings and was the mom. At 14 I started babysitting. At 19 I started working at a daycare and at 22 I was a nanny. I loved the feeling I got when I took care of others. It felt right, natural even. Maybe that’s because I am the oldest of 6 children and taking care of kids has been a life long thing. Whatever the psychology is behind my desires to be a mom, it always felt what I was destined to do.

When Josh and I got married, we decided we would wait to have children. We were young and wanted to grow up a little before we decided to become parents. Although we decided to wait, my desire to be a mom never diminished. Lingering somewhere in my heart, there was a strong desire to hold a little bundle of joy in my arms that I could call mine.

I knew that infertility was considered “common.” I would read facebook posts, news articles, etc about infertility. I felt like every time I got on facebook, someone was struggling to have a child. I used to rattle off in my head what I thought was wrong with them or why they weren’t conceiving. After all, it’s pretty easy right?

Boy was I humbled.

Looking back now, I feel so much regret for ever thinking those things. I was naive and stupid. I didn’t know what it was like to truly want for a child, because although I have always wanted to be a mom I didn’t know what the sting of infertility felt like.

I didn’t know what it felt like to cry in the bathroom of the doctor’s office

I didn’t know what it felt like to take pregnancy test after pregnancy test and get a “negative” every time.

I didn’t know what it felt like to feel completely broken

I didn’t know what it felt like to be physically sick from fertility drugs

I didn’t know what it felt like to be angry for no reason

I didn’t know what it felt like to cry at pregnancy announcements

I didn’t know just how strong jealousy could be

I didn’t know how worthless infertility could make you feel

I didn’t know that the sound of a baby crying could make you cry because you wonder if you will ever hear that sound in your home

I didn’t know that so many women have all of these feelings hidden behind a humble smile. I learned that inside these women are broken hearts.

My infertility journey has not been as long as millions of women across the globe. I know that I do not fully comprehend what some are going through, but I do know how it feels to believe your dreams are crumbling right before your eyes.

As depressing as this post turned out to be, I’m actually okay. I don’t feel all of these things everyday, but I do feel them. However, I have found new meaning to the word “hope.”

I have watched my friends that have struggled have healthy pregnancies, adoptions, etc. Seeing the success makes me believe that it’s possible to live the life I have always felt destined to live. It makes the tears, anger, and pain seem worth it.

It also makes this picture very relate able and hilarious on a good day:

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No matter where you are on your journey with infertility, it’s okay to feel what you are feeling. It’s okay to be angry, to be sad, and to feel so jealous that you can’t even see straight. It’s okay to talk about what you are going through. Don’t let the negativity control your life and keep you from seeing the beauty that’s around. Don’t let your depression control your life and above all, hold on to hope.

 

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